Since the only person who has all the time to listen and understand me doesn't want to, let me share to everyone who gets to read this the story of the the "Nightmare Client".

She contacted my boss late December last year for a poi and fire performance this coming March. A day before I met her, I called her to confirm our meeting. She told me that she will be meeting us tomorrow. She asked me if I also dance, during that time I wasn't and so I honestly admitted that. She said it was "okay" and that she will see me tomorrow.

The following day, I wasn't feeling well but still I went there. I was with our then poi and fire dancer and artistic director. When the client came to meet us, she thought that I was the dancer. Then when we went to see the venue, before we went into the elevator, she looked at me from head to toe. When we came back from the ocular, she and the two people I was with talked about the budget. They were all leaning in and she told the other two that I won't be included since I'm not a dancer. Artistic director objected saying that I am the manager.Then she asked our background each. When it came to me, I told her that I do aerobics at Slimmers World and that I am a member. She just turned her head from me to the dancer.

After the meeting, artistic director and dancer kept on arguing about a lot of issues until dancer went abroad to work. She didn't talk to artistic director and just argued with me. When artistic director found out, we argued about it as well. Still, we submitted the proposal to the client as promised. Itext her but she won't confirm. She will just text me again to do this and do that. Before the dancer went abroad, I had a dream that dealing with the client would be hell for me.

One time she texted me where she could fax the signed contract. I replied telling her that we would prefer if it be in person with the down payment upon signing.Then she said that would be better so she could prepare the check. Then I told her tha t in our previous meeting she told us that we would be paid in cash. She then called up artistic director to whom she explained things that she didn't tell me. Although my he knew the whole thing, we still argued about it. The client texted me telling me that she and artistic director has talked and that she needs a fax number so that he can sign in our group's behalf.

The following night, the client texted me telling me to fax again the contract. I replied asking her what she really wants me to do: to give the fax number or fax the contract again. She called me up in the middle of the night asking me what's my problem. I told what happened to artistic director and again, for him I'm the one at fault.

We were supposed to get the check for downpayment last Tuesday. I met again the client together with artistic director. I didn't witness the contract signing itself since I went straight to the comfort room when we came there. Then the client once again looked at my outfit. She then endorsed both of us to her assistant as she will be out for meetings and other commitments. Then she looked at me asking for the invoice and official receipt pursuing that I have it. I told her that it's with artistic director but he said he forgot it.We will just come back to prepare it to claim the check. She then said that both of us were very eager for the payment, giving me a very sly grin. Then she looked for d I fire and poi dancer. We told them that she already left. Then she stood up and once again looked me asking me if I will be present during the event. And I just said yes.

When we came back again for the check, we waited since the cashier went to the bank. When the assistant confirmed that the cashier already came back, artistic director went with him. When they came back, the check turned out to be named to the group and not to him. The assistant said that hopefully the corrected check will be out this week. On our way out of the hotel, the topic again was relived, that night when I opposed to the faxed contract signing. It was too much for me to bare and so I threw a tantrum in the taxi we were in. 

We went to another meeting that day and everyone noticed the difference in my aura. Although before we parted ways that day, we were in talking terms, nothing was resolved. Then again, we were together the following day, the topic wasn't brought up. However, yesterday just because another client pissed him off, he set it as an example that he didn't mind and so I shouldn't mind the fire and poi client either. We argued once again. The members saw me crying. Both of them comforted me. They talked to him and explained my side but he didn't say a word. He just grabbed my hand.

We were again in talking terms when we went to see another member. Still nothing was resolved. He texted me a quote but still nothing was resolved. He didn't talk to me in private to settle the issue, to tell me that he understands me because I never ever needed his judgement about how I felt or about what I am going through. I just needed him to be there. He thinks that I'm affected with how the client treats me but the truth is I wouldn't be like this if he believes in me, and if I feel that he does. 

I didn't have a good day at dance class either. The reliever was so strict and she was noticing me all the time. Then there's this matron sending feelers of insecurity on me again.

Later on, I'll see him again together with the dancer. My mom told me to take a day off for now but I declined her offer to go shopping. I have committed myself to this and I will go on even if it hurts. Since I have dreamed of this client being difficult to deal with, I am expecting the worst. I am exhausting this issue to let the worst come out. If I will be resigning as stage manager after all the lined-up activities this year because he can't understand me and won't listen and believe in me, then let it be. 

TO ARTISTIC DIRECTOR:

Thank you for all the exposure and experiences you gave me. Thank you for entrusting to me a lot of things even if you barely know me and believing in me. But maybe you just can't really believe in me totally. Wag ka mag-alala, hindi na ako mag-mamakaawa para intindihin, pakinggan at paniwalaan mo ako. Kahit kasama kita palagi, iiyak ko na lang sa sarili ko yung bad experience ko. Wala kang maririnig na sigaw o kahit anong ingay pero makikita mo na parating mugto ang mata ko sa kakaiyak. Mahirap kasi na pilitin kang gawin yun at mahirap din sa akin na tumahan na lang ako para matapos na ito pero alam ko namang hindi mo naman ako pinakinggan, inintindi at pinaniwalaan. Siguro talagang may hangganan ang samahan natin.

It's just hurting for me kasi umasa ako na maiintindihan mo, na papakinggan mo ako at paniniwalaan without any book you have to refer to. Sobrang laki lang siguro ng expectation ko sa iyo since parati kita kasama pero katulad ka lang din pala nilang lahat. Katulad ka ni Sin Jae na hindi man lang nagsalita noong nagkakalabuan kami. Katulad ka ni Mike na iiwan ako ng wala man lang pasabi. Katulad ka ni Eric na kinampihan ang mas superior o mas may kapangyarihan kaysa sa akin. Katulad ka ni Meon, na hanggang ngayon pinapag-sorry ako sa sugarmama niya. Katulad ka ni Alec na hindi ako pinapansin kapag may problema. Katulad ka ni Ivan na palalabasin akong tanga. And most of all, katulad ka ni Marc: ang dami-dami kong natututunan sa iyo pero ikaw lang din pala ang magpapabagsak sa akin.

Parati akong umaaasa na may lalaking makikinig, iintindi at paniniwalaan ako. Gusto ko kasing maramdaman naman iyon kahit saglit lang. Pero hindi na talaga siguro mangyayari pa iyon. Kaya kailangan kong maging matapang kasi ako lang naman mag-isa. Wala akong maaasahang lalaki para i-comfort ako, para makinig sa akin. Most of all wala naman talagang lalaking pwedeng yumakap sa akin at i-assure ako na hindi ako nag-iisa, na kahit hindi niya ako masamahaan sa lahat ng oras at kahit hindi niya nakita lahat nang nangyari ipaparamdam niya na andun siya. Wala naman ganoon sa buhay ko. Wala talaga kasi lahat kayo kaya ninyo akong tiisin. Katulad mo, kaya mo tiisin na huwag ako i-comfort para lang sa paraan ng pag-iisip mo. Umasa lang ako na baka iba ka sa iba, Nash.